Let’s start with now and work our way backwards
A timeline of my life thus far
Some think I should be moving onward
Not thinking so much of the past
But when it haunts your every present
It’s hard to make that last

But, Emily, it’s been played over and over
There’s no point in bringing it up again
The fact is you don’t have to make apologies
For what it is you went through

You don’t have to be sorry for being a sponge
or easy to hurt, and vulnerable
Big girls cry, that’s what Sia says
And she’s the one to know

Covering her eyes, her face with a mask
With such a beautiful voice behind

She suffers in pain, like so many do
Because they can’t see what’s in the mirror
Someone that endured countless pain
Maybe not the third world type
And don’t get me wrong, I feel for them
I wish I could do so much more
And maybe I can, and probably will
But I have a battle to fight on this soil

Cycle breaking, sick cycle breaking
The minutiae never ends
I’ll continue this fight until my last breath
I’ll show my girls what they’re really worth
They won’t get to say how awful they look
Or complain about a roll of fat
Or feel like their worth is in what makeup they wear
They don’t need to feel all of that

Growing up to find a man is lame
I’ve been through all of those silly games
And now I have someone I love,
But it’s nothing like a fairy tale
We teach our girls to be saved by princes
Instead of holding the reins themselves

I’ve given my all to the man I love
and though I won’t give up easily
If I was ever alone,
I would force myself to stay that way
Until I could say without a doubt, that I’m of endless worth
So that each slight or nagging pull
To believe the voices in my head
Would be a moot point instead

Today is Recovery, Phase 3, Day 1
My binging, purging days are done
My drinking to numb myself just to cry later
Is all too mundane to think about
It’s time to stop being in love with my sadness
And be in love with myself

Emily Cloward © 2015 – 2018

7 Comments Add yours

  1. MOMENTS says:

    Lovely written, powerful and poignant, with a great purpose of hope. I love the inner dialogue of the poem with the words in italics. Yes, let us learn to love ourselves without becoming narcissisits. We all have our dark sides and shadows as well as our sunshines and incredible undeveloped potentials. I see a slight connection between this poem and another one I once wrote having very similar thoughts and feelings to those you express:

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I loved your poem. Beautiful! I relate to that feeling of ancient wounds. Thank you for sharing with me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. MOMENTS says:

        That is very kind, thank you again. Love sharing. We can all learn so much from eachother…

        Liked by 1 person

  2. hupsutupsu says:

    i absolutely love the last two lines. i think they speak to human nature, they speak to me in my own tendency to romanticize sadness…we’ve been taught by centuries of literature that suffering is somehow beautiful, and that angst is the price of truly being loved or in love or worthy. we should read and write more about self-love and the joy we can derive from that. thank you for this truth!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, and you’re very welcome. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

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