Blue

I’m just a lonely shit, and all I do is smoke, get fat, drink cheap, sediment-ridden wine, take my antidepressants, drink my cough syrup and trip on a downer now and then. I live in a lonely shitty apartment in an overcrowded neighborhood where the traffic flits around like mosquitoes, where people have lives and jobs and pay the rent and fuck. I mooch off my parents and make demands, and then write pop-existential rants. Women don’t give me a second glance anymore because my paunch is repulsive. I go, unshaven, unkempt and with uneven hair to the cheap, shitty little cigarette shop and buy a pack of Marlboro every day. I then binge drink energy drinks and coffee and when a rush of mania overwhelms like a fierce gale (allow me to use a slightly archaic, poetic term) and destroys my ramshackle consciousness and I’m left with the subconscious detritus that cyber-junkies and video game connoisseurs who play RPGs like they’re eating caviar have, I write and write and write some more. Just give me my pills – red, blue, white, and I’ll exist in my shitty space devoid of the sun, moon, stars and the rain. Just give me my booze and alter my consciousness; make me fucking hazy; make me fucking lazy; make everything fucking hazy; make everything fucking lazy. Go on then, give up on me. I’m a Bipolar freak after all with a mind sharp with lunacy like a Tungsten needle. Go on then, throw me in the void without saying goodbye because greetings are overrated like cheesy Hallmark Cards. Go on then, beat me because I can’t fight. I’ll just cower like a kitten trapped by a bunch of Alsatians. I can’t scratch, claw or bite. So, go on then, stereotype me and say I threw away my existence, and take pleasure as your words cut right through wine-soaked reverie and I’m no longer walking rosy boulevards, but clawing my way up the seven stages of Hell. Go on then, finish what you started. I gave up on everything, and I’ll just kneel waiting for your shitty sword to do its shitty job.

© Nitin Lalit Murali (2018)

You’ll find more of Nitin’s work at Fighting the dying light

11 Comments Add yours

  1. This is an honest piat and you have piured out tour emotions in paper.You always reach a point a life when you are down and out and ready to take the punches without fighting back and ready to throw in the towel.Believe me this is a transient phase and you will get back to your fighting spirit when ever you are ready for it.
    Happens with me all the time.Stay well, my friend

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nitin says:

      Thank you so much for your optimistic comment. Yes there comes a time when you just want to fall flat and not do anything anymore. You literally hit rock bottom, but knowing that phase is transient eases the burden. Thank you my friend.

      Like

      1. You are welcome.I came across your blog throut Literati Mafia.Really liked the content.Keep writing

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Nitin says:

        Thank you. We do have so many terrific writers here. Writers who write using different styles or express themselves in myriad ways.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Yes I saw that.Yes the site has curated one of the best I gave read in WP.Good luck!!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. floweringink says:

    This is the blood on the page Natin. The truth of it, the ugly and the sad. Sorrow and self loathing that you can’t escape or look away from. I hate it. And I love it.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Nitin says:

      Yeah, it’s there and you have to live with it. Sometimes it ebbs, but it’s very much there. Thank you for such an insightful comment Susan.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. kaddietucker says:

    I see you bleed poison onto the page too, Nitin. My heart understands, and is with you…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nitin says:

      Thank you Kaddie. That means a lot to me.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. MOMENTS says:

    Couldn’t agree more with this. Your writing is torrential, coming straight from your heart, so honest, touching and hearfelt. I have never seen you face-to-face and do not really care about your physical appearance for what counts is the soul and yours is very beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing this brilliant piece!

    Liked by 1 person

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