All of the Above

woke up from my disrupted sleep,
to find you said goodbye to me
after bursting with truth,
a popping balloon,
feelings, confetti all over the floor,
hope like flying embers
from a bonfire left to die,
renewed only by the numbness of dawn

I must’ve been seeking
a new kind of high;
redemption in your rock bottom,
potential for introspection,
while chasms willed to be formed,
tectonic plates giving way
from the build up of pain,
knowing you once as
someone I had hoped for,
then seeing full color
of blood as the stain;
you may be cleaning it
slowly with effort and work,
but I changed my mind
in a sudden outburst
of what ifs and whys,
I know myself,
my thoughts lay on a platter
informed by all shades and
colors of human experience,
foggy to objective eyes

mantras, affirmations
I use to convince
I’m not afraid of the masculine sex,
what I read in their eyes,
what resides in their minds,
if I gave into society’s
painting of them;
I feel I would die,
I crave deepest red wine,
I’ve been in these swamps,
the muck and the mire,
I’ve seen how I am when
I feel true desire,
the hopeless becomes
something longed for,
a mirage, I paint situations
as more than they are;
realize I’m wrong,
the red flags were all raised,
time for damage control
for my sake and theirs,
let it all be known
’til they feel the fear
of eyes fixed on minds
like I’m reading theirs;
observing, pondering,
you’re close, then withdrawing,
uncomfortable vulnerability to bear

tried to see you as different,
if you are, doesn’t matter,
for your wounds that aren’t healed
I see the blood spatter,
pulsating, festering,
lava underneath,
waiting to reveal someone
who will hurt me,
and in that resolve to see
visions from fear,
I pushed you away,
feeling no real regret,
knowing I don’t have
to wonder the depth of your love;
now I’ll find someone else
for all of the above.

Emily Cloward © 2018

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