Good morning/evening/afternoon/midafternoon/midnight/and midnightsnack, everyone! If that wasn’t one of the worst opening lines of a blog, I don’t know what else is!
You’re all here to hear who wins, officially, for the opening line contest. Well, that’s easy! It is:
“This is the opening line of my novel, the one that you are now reading, as distinct from the opening lines of my other novels and other lines in this novel, which would of course, by definition, could not be opening lines, even if they were the same as the opening line, so read on to find out what comes next in lines that may be related to the opening line, or not, as the case may be.”
Doug’s line put me to sleep, and I’m only a guest judge! Imagine what it would do to a poor, unsuspecting reader, thoroughly expecting an unexpected read to fulfill an expectant mind with great expectations!
The other entries are, of course, hilarious! They only reached second place because I felt they were a tad too clever or uproarious to actually open a novel, short story, or essay. Whether that’s true or no, please take your first lines and write the ensuing novel with them!
“There is nothing but the cumbersome waves of each day as we toil beneath an uncaring, petulant sun whilst we dream of a different way of being,” said the gerbil I fell in love with.”
“This story is about how Jimmy was shot and killed by Chester because they had a fight over drug money.”
“I don’t remember much about that uneventful, drug-addled time I spent in that dull place with those tedious people, but this is the least boring stuff I can cobble together for my 5,000 word story.”
“Once upon a time there was a little girl. She wet her pants in school. Her teacher got mad and yelled. The little girl was sad.”
“It was nothing and it was everything; it was laughable and it was nonsense…it was my fresh clean underwear, blown off the clothes line, right into my neighbor’s swimming pool…”
“Brian worked in accounts for Palmers until he moved to Wilsons but he wasn’t long there before moving back to Palmers where he had doubts whether Wilsons wasn’t the better job, though Palmers wasn’t bad and Wilsons might ask him back, you never know, but he quite liked Palmers all the same, though Wilsons were good too and probably on a par with Palmers if he thought long and hard about it and at least he was still in accounts, whether it was Wilsons or Palmers.”
“I put on my shoes.”
–The Artsy Kid
“When that blonde in the short skirt va-va-voomed into my office to tell me that she doubted her husband had really been killed by a giraffe, I decided to stick my neck out.”
“Life is difficult.”
“It has long been debated why elephants trumpet, when in fact it should be a trumpet that trumpets, but in the entire history of the world no one has mentioned a trumpeting trumpet or an elephanting elephant, for that matter, and if you follow the rabbit hole of sub-clauses in a sentence too far you might end up elephanting or trumpeting yourself- though that’s not the point, and also elephanting is not a verb, so just like noses that run and feet that smell, trumpeting elephants have been attributed to the eternal weirdness of the English language; but in due course, you will learn that just the English language is not to blame for that.”
©2020 The respective authors of these opening lines.